Thursday, September 18, 2014

I love my husband more than my kids

Yes, you read that right. I love my husband more than my kids!

Recently I read an article, "Why I put my Husband before my kids" discussing about the very same thing and that resounds with me.  It sets me thinking about how this comes about and that is the starting point for this post.

The baby was the Priority

I do want to state that I agree with the writer however, initially it was not like that.  It was the opposite when I had my first child.  After my daughter was born, she was the main focus of my life.  During the first six months of her life, everything I was doing pretty much revolve around her and her schedule.  I was breastfeeding exclusively and focusing almost all my attention on making sure that all her needs are met and more.  I stopped going to Church because the timing was not suitable for her naps and it was hard to breastfeed her as we were in a small church without a separate room or area for me to nurse her.  And that period was also the hardest for my husband.  He was definitely neglected.

Up till today, I thank God for for my husband's patience and immense love for me.  And aside from my husband who was being neglected, someone else was being pushed aside as well, and that person was ME.  I was slowly ignoring my personal needs and desires.

Biblical Hierarchy of Relationships

However, as I mature as a parent, I realized how important God's truth is.  In the biblical hierarchy of relationship, God is first, followed by the spouse and then the children.  The rest of the family is next.  I learnt the personal truth of how allowing God's will into our family helps to preserve and unite us.

Putting my husband first is not about neglecting my children.  It is about making parenting a joint effort.  Allowing my husband to take his role as the head of the household means letting him take responsibility for the coverage of our family.  When my husband takes on his role, it means that he will also become involved in the children's life in more ways than I can imagine.  When I make him a priority, it makes us a team, we become parents who are both involved in our children's lives.  I'm not the only one following our children's growth or development, he is 100% involved too.  For example, when it came time to sleep train our children and night wean them, he was in it with me.  As I could not bear the cries of the little ones, he would be the one to carry them for two to three hours in the night to help them get back to sleep.  And I empowered him to manage the kids and not undermine his capabilities as a father and as the head of the household.  I know many mums who would not think their husband capable nor willing to do that.  Sometimes, i figured it is also because as mothers, we always feel that we can do it better but we need to let that go and empower the fathers so that they can also be more involved in the process.

More importantly, when my spouse realises that he is the most important person to me, after God, it strengthens our relationship.   With a strong marriage and love between us, we become better a example of what a happy and united family looks like to our children.  We also support each other when parenting gets tough.  We have each others back.  It is much easier to face challenges in life when we have someone who is on our side.

As children, my little ones would sometimes ask who do I love the most, hoping the answer would be them.  However, whenever that question comes up, I would gently tell them that in our (the parents) lives, we love God first, then papa/mummy, then them followed by our larger family and then friends.  Initially our elder girl found it hard to come to terms that she is not the most important or most loved in our lives.  We had to explain to her why and also that even for them, the little ones, they have to love God before us, their parents.  And for us, their parents, how we love each other and treat each other with respect is how the children will learn a marriage is supposed to be.

My children has no doubts in their hearts that we (the parents) love them immensely.  I consider myself a very hands-on and involved parent but I believe maintaining a good balance. Now, I would rather be 100% focused on each activity then try to multi-task on numerous.  Being involved in my children's lives does not mean being there 24/7.  It means knowing when to be a 100% there and when to let go.  It also means knowing when to take the time off for the other things in life.

Taking time for myself

In all that, I have also learnt not to lose myself into my roles as a mother or a wife but to take time off to care for my unique person.  I recently shared about this too in my post "Mummy personal time off"

Ready to be Relegated!

We believe that it is an essential part of our household to teach the children that God should take first place in our lives, our individual lives.  I know one day, both my little darlings would probably find their own partners and form their own families.  Maybe it would become hard for us at that time to become displaced from second place to some lower importance but I firmly believe that it is the way it would be.  When I become an in-law, I pray that I would be a kind and understand mum and mum-in-law to my children and their spouses respectively.  And for now, I will start to pray to God that He would bless them with a Godly, loving, caring person.


Unknown said...

Yes I do believe this in my head too - but I have a long way to go before practicing it daily! :P

Sandra said...

We all try our best. Sometimes hubby is not being so lovable as well. :p